With Love

2009-04-11T17:22:00.002+10:00

Yesterday I had a nice (weird) dream. :)
I found someone who loved me and I loved him as well.
I shouldn't be minding the fact that he was younger than me, should I?
Let's call him T ^^;;
I had a child whom T rescued from a fire.
But in the end, people wanted to take T away from me...
And I woke up with fear and tears TT
Anyway... that's a great dream over all...
I had my first kiss again... -.-;;
And it was... well...
Intense I guess... =.=''

2009-04-10T22:22:00.003+10:00

It's been a long time since I last updated...
And well, come to think of it, my last post was also somehow trashy...
I didn't know what to write because I didn't know how I should have been to the world.
Maybe it's a bit late to realize how easier and faster I could overcome unpleasant things.
But anyway, I'm feeling the need to voice out my mind again...
And maybe nobody would read this post...
But at least, I'm trying
There are things I keep wondering about
Things about myself, my family, the world that I see from my eyes
And I'm still looking for the answers
Maybe time would pass by faster while I'm looking
But isn't it supposed to be the way I am?
Because I can choose who I would become tomorrow... or three years from now on, I would be someone I want to be...
Not someone I have to be... yeap, I hope so.
I met someone from the opposite sex. And I suddenly feel weird...
It feels like fear.
Like...
It's neither that I was thinking too much, fearing too much or thinking less of myself too much.
But at the same time, I know that even when somebody tells me that I'm useless, and I'm a person of no good, I'm still proud of myself.
Proud of the fact that I have a great family.
Of the fact that I'm learning Korean all by myself.
Of the fact that I have lively and interesting dreams every night.
Of the fact that sometimes I remember something about Old European history that my classmates couldn't remember.
Even of someone tells me I'm an arrogant and ignorant person
I just can't stop seeing and knowing that in my world, I'm the one who choose to have and not have what could have been around me.
I see how my future will be. Bright and pleasant because I will refuse to see only the dark and unpleasant side of it.
Even if there isn't really God. I know that my heart is the God I should follow.
And the smile and happiness road is where I should walk.
Just one more thing to be said to whoever is reading this post:
Have a nice day ^^

2009-03-21T01:30:00.002+11:00

Randomness again~~

IF SOMEONE SAY "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Like being hit by a bullet- Baek Jiyeong~
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Destiny- SNSD
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Blue Moon- Color Pink
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Don't be happy- Mc the Mx (what the heck)
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? flower pot- loveholic
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? First Love- Utada~
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Girl- Epik High (??)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Don't go don't go- Brown eyes
WHAT IS 2+2? Waltz of tears
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Nuna very pretty- Shinee ahahah
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Promise- KCM
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Fallen Flowers- Epik high
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? The One- SS501
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Crazy Woman- East of Eden OST (heck no!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Endless Rain- X-japan
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Sad fool- Min Kyunghoon
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Goodbye My Love- Sung Sikyung!
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? One- Epik High
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Into the new world- SNSD
WHAT'S THE WORSE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Fool- Maybee
HOW WILL YOU DIE? Hankerchielf- Kim Dongwan
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Kissing you- SNSD ^^;;
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Amigo- SHinee
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? Wish dayz- Juhee
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? U- Suju~
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? Love love love- Epik High
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? One love- Davichi~
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Snow flower- Yuki Nakamura
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? Walking down the memory lane- Nell
HOW WILL YOU BECOME IN THE NEXT 3 YEARS? red bean- Lee Boram ^^;
HOW YOUR IDEAL LOVER SEE YOU? you're like oxygen- Shinee!
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW? After love- FT island

2009-03-12T20:56:00.002+11:00

Dandelion in the rain...
Soaked white hair...
I can't fly when the tears brought me down...
Oh...
By the window across the garden...
I hear a widow singing sad songs...
Oh...
Her love has gone with the withered flower...
He stepped on my leaves days ago...
On a rainy day like this...
And she's been singing...
And I've been standing...
Waiting for the sun to come back...
And I will be leaving too...

2009-03-06T20:43:00.003+11:00

Dreams of a fool
(dedicated to Yun)

I once had a name, given by you
Fool... Fool... your lovely fool
I was a fool and still now am I
Because I never know a thing about love
I only know how to lean on one person
And how to let that person go when he wants to
You call me a fool because I used to tell you

My hands get cold easily
So don't let go of them and I won't let go of yours
My eyes get teary easily
So don't frown and hurt yourself, for me it's painful
My feet get me lost easily
So don't leave me behind, I will follow you
My heart gets broken easily
So don't cheat on me because I don't deserve you

I am a fool because up til now
I still think you are the finest thing in the world
And that I can never be your perfect match
The only thing I could ever do is give you all
The love I could ever feel, the good things I could give
How I wish it would make my heart as pretty as your face

2009-03-01T19:11:00.002+11:00

Super Randomness....
1. The first person I really hate is the person I used to think I loved most. That's called Irony, babe.. (I think it's a crying-laughing situtation but I feel like laughing now... after all, that kind of seperation did me some good, I learnt a new smile. Ironic ones :) )
2. I'm using my new baby now... okay I lied, this 4GB-Asus Laptop is not my baby. However, I still love it~~ A declaration of independence on my hateful cousin's computer! Soju anyone?
3. Yesterday I dreamt about going to Bi Rain's concert. I don't remember thinking about him before then hmmm... Anyway, some old man offered me a dance training session and I was actually practicing with BI Rain in the same room. O_O amen...
4. My Cultural Class has a total number of 8 students. I actually prefer small class. The teacher was okay I guess. I sat next to two Koreans... there are 4 Australians, 3 Koreans and one Vietnamese (that's me!) and I found myself sitting among the Koreans... well... habit can't be helped...
5. I have a classmate who sorta looks like Daesung from Bigbang ^^ he speaks good english... it's the thing that matters~
6. I don't like how my hair looks now... I wish it would go longer soon. It's either really short or really long... No, I rethought about it now, I like it really short~ Jihoo's hairstyles fits my likes well~
7. Confession time! I bought a child weekly bus ticket and now I feel too guilty (scared) to use it! Haiz... I wonder why they sold me the ticket when I look an awful lot older than my older sister. They never sell her child ticket!
8. I like dancing... I dream about beautiful dance moves... And actually got dreams broken when I look at myself dancing in the mirror. Not mention those celebrity-like looks... Gosh (Gross) ... Tiffany... Junsu... TT...
9. I think my writing recently got worse. Or maybe it's the problem I've been having ever since I started writing stories. I ran away when the climax came. It's really frustrating that sometimes I just wish the readers could read the stories from my head.
10. My favorite food is sushi. Korean cuisine is also interesting but sushi fits my taste better. Sorry Bibimbab -.-. By the way, I like sushi with tuna or fresh salmon... Sushi with avocado is another story though... I can't stand the melting feel in my mouth...
11. I always buy 2 kinds of things. Food and things I can't use. I'm never good at managing money.
12. Up till now, there are only two voices in Kpop I truly entirely trust. Guess who...

2009-02-10T12:52:00.002+11:00

IF SOMEONE SAY "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
-Go to the hospital- Min Kyung of Davichi (nice song!)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
-Bolero- DBSK
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
-First Person- Shin Hyesung
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
-Can you hear me?- Lee Seungchul- East of Garden OST
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
-Sad Fool- Min Kyung Hoon
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
- Goodbye my love- Sung Si Kyung
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
-INto the new World- SNSD -.-''
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
-You in my memories- Lee Seung Gi
WHAT IS 2+2?
-Thunder- Ft Island
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
-Forever Love- DBSK
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
- My memories- Winter Sonata OST
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
-Daymoon- DBSK
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
- Real- Shinee (best answer so far)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
-Lalala- SG Wannabe
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
- Rising Sun- DBSK (thanks mom~~)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
- Love Story- Rain
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
-Yuki No Hana- Mika Nakashima
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
-Romance- Autumn Heart OST
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
-Passing by- Yimaru
WHAT'S THE WORSE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
- In my Bed- Rain O-o
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
-Lie- Bigbang -.-''
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
-I will give you my all- Lee Seung Gi
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
-SAd Promise- Davichi
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
-U- Super Junior
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
-Perfect for you- SNSD
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
-Violin- Zia
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
-A walk in the forest- Yimaru
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
-Because of You- Brown Eyes
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
-Can you hear me?- Taeyeon
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
-In my room- Shinee

People I will tag
Only one...
Ria

2009-02-09T14:01:00.002+11:00

Finally.
If death is too easy to come
how easily it would come for me?
If bad things happen frequently
How likely they would happen to me?

If break-ups are more real than they are thought to be
How much of the reality can I feel when they are here?

2009-01-27T22:21:00.002+11:00

My day...
Finally I managed to hand in the portfolio in time... ehe... The teacher was like... O.O "I'm so glad you are the first one to understand what the portfolio is about" "It must be a lot of hard work"
Now I feel both happy and guilty... Ria can justify this... I only started doing the portfolio 3 hours before the deadline...
I've been lucky... too lucky that even sometimes my friend got so annoyed with my luck that she had to kick me...
It's not like the saying "If you believe you're lucky, then you are lucky..."
I'm not hypnotizing myself.. -.-
Because I know that I have many things to give, I'm willing to give
And there's someone who lets me give
I'm lucky
Because there's someone who let me be a part of her life
I exist, not because I was given a life to live
But because I feel needed
Lately I've been reading about selfishness
What's wrong with being selfish?
People who brags that they are selfless would be big big liars
I'm selfish
And I'm okay with that
I don't torture myself with that thought
Because I know it's a stupid thing to waste time with
Time is very precious to me
Not because it's short for me
But because its beautiful part doesn't last.
Now that I can count...
Let's see... it's been 8 months and 2 days since we first knew each other
So it's 247 days in total
Wow!
when counting in days... it looks like small number -.-
But those 247 days are really worth living
Even though some of them were not pleasant
I'm still glad
Because I had passed them
And become who I am now
Also... lately I've been hearing about "being strong"
In a way, I think I'm strong ^^
Because I'm living for myself
I'm doing what I want to do
And I'm happy
I'm not pretending to be strong because you are there ;-)
I feel like I'm strong
Maybe you make me strong
And I'm liking it
So... saying hat I'm pretending is a bit of an insult to me hehe
Now that I think...
Because the earth is round...
Anybody can claim where they stand to be the center... -.- here's a bit issue of geography... the center on the surface... not inside...
You can choose to turn around the others
Or be the center yourself...
It's not that the others will get hurt because of that
They have their own perspective of the world
Let them be...
But if they mean to take your center, give them a good kick in the guts ^^
That will wake them up

2009-01-21T10:09:00.003+11:00

Letter for Yun (someone I couldn't find a good description for, lover, friend, lord...whatever)
To Yun...
It's been a while since I could sit down and write you how I feel... I want to write it out so that I have a place to go to one day... because I'm afraid that I will forget...
When I get so exhausted that memories start to slip from my mind, my body, my feelings, I will come back here and read these lines again... so as to fall in love all over again with memories about you...
Is what I'm feeling for you right now love? I don't know... it's really too confusing...
I really want to talk to somebody so that they can confirm it for me... maybe they will say things like "Oh, I've felt that before... it could be love..." or "It's just an impulsive moment..."... I will be listening to their words... not knowing whether to cry or smile...
Sometimes I wonder if you know... you said you knew... and you also said that you could never love me more than a friend...
Maybe I didn't do it right... from the start, in our relationship... I haven't done it right, haven't acted my role right...
Maybe from the start, I shouldn't have let my feelings get over the limit of friendship...
My mom used to tell me: "You treat your friends too nice that you have become so usable." She didn't know her stupid daughter only knew a friend or two...
Been backstabbed many times, I may have become more cautious but not less stupid...
I remember blaming myself every time getting backstabbed... I blamed myself because I had not been a good friend... and that I probably had done something wrong that made those people hate me so much that they hurt me...
And I still blame myself every now and then whenever someone I truly care about did something I'm uncomfortable with
I remember being called fake... even though I say things that I really mean... even though I tell myself not to lie... I'm still a fake... I can't explain why I can have so many faces...
But I never want to hurt anyone with those faces... I can swear upon my ugly face from the very bottom...
Because you are very special, very different from what I see in the others...
...
Yun, you know what? There is an invisible wall between us...
Maybe there is no wall at all and all I did was just imagining
But I can feel it every time I manage to get close to you
I can feel it grow and trying to push me away
Every time you cry, frown, yell at me, the fear becomes so great that I get a painful heartache
I remember you laughing when I told you that my heart ached everytime things went out of the right way between us
It's true, Yun ah... Right now when I'm writing this, the aching is coming to me like a heavy stone slowly shifts all its weight on my chest...
I don't know how much more I have to give so that you will let your guards down at me... it's not quite a good expression, is it? I'm actually asking you to turn yourself into a fool like me... that's a ridiculous one, so forget it (^^;)
I just want to know what you want from me... and I mean to ask the questoin with its most genuine meaning...
Your laughter actually is very refreshing, do you know that? every time I see you "hahaha" I actually feel hope... even though you're not really amused and you just do it because you feel sorry for my pathetic look, you do me a big favor already, thank you...
Times when you suddenly call my name are the scariest... because it's almost a fact that never goes wrong after "Yuki" there's always something unpleasant after that...
And I blame myself for annoying you...
Recently, I'm thinking about finding someone to replace you...
Because I suddenly find a possibility of you getting tired of me
You never accepted me, that gives you the absolute right to ask me to leave, after all the time, I'm the only one clinging onto you
That's one scary thing as well...
You will shout at me, or may call my name softly and then say it
"Yuki, please, I'm tired of you."
That will sure break me... or maybe a whole self of me
I love the Yuki I am now... I love being Yuki... being with you...
Being a Yuki whom you call your best friend...
I need you...
Ever since you entrusted me with those secrets, I have given myself a few small rules...
Never to talk about my family, because it may upset you is a small example...
There are really too many things I want to write down before my memories vanish...
Like I will remember your likes: color brown, coffee, mugs and tons of trifling things... because I think you will be happy if I remember those
Just like I will be if you can remember things about me
I want to have the memory of you sharing the bed with me
Happy memories...
One year is too short a time...
Because time is even shorter for you, I want to have those all in my mind, to note them down and never forget you when you're gone...
Have a nice day my Yun
Yuki
P.S: I should love myself more but I want to love you instead.

2009-01-14T21:51:00.002+11:00

몾난이
Ya! What can I say now...
I'm feeling like a fool, a big fool! going crazy about something that doesn't seem to bother you at all...
What am I doing this for?
Stupid me! Stupid Yuki!
Yuki is the biggest fool! every one should clap their hands!
Really don't understand...

2009-01-03T22:41:00.002+11:00

One Piece

I found Yun lying like a drained spirit on the doorway... his smirk greeted me like it had always done... "Nice to meet you again, Yuki" I could read it outloud from his clear eyes... "Hi..." the breeze swept my breath away... cold, clean and neat...
"Don't you want to let me in?" he mumbled... the smirk was still there... a little faded... my heart sunk as if it was the last time I could see him...
I stayed speechless... because of the fear that he could disappear any minute and I would just waste time saying meaningless things. My eyes wandered from his whole face... trying to memorize the suave figures... his clear eyes with little red traces... his black iris with my reflection... the small and helpless me...
"Yuki ah..." His smirk disappeared and I saw my reflection getting blurred... Yun was sitting in the rare sunlight lingering on my doorway... a new breeze came... smell of death....
"Sorry..." I slowly swung the door open... and shiver... it hurt my head... the cold breeze... he lifted his head from the shabby bag that had been used like a pillow. The sound of his faded jeans against dead lawns woke me up... I reached out my hand to him...
His hands were still warm... like his back last time I had a chance to hug it... like the rare sunlight that was vanishing as the breeze blew stronger...
"Thank you..." he whispered to my ear the words... the warmth burnt my skin...
"Welcome..." I led him inside...
"... Back to my world..."

End of another broken piece...

2009-01-01T21:57:00.002+11:00

Confessions of a drama king
Author: Yuki
Claim: ^^v Dedicated to one of the sickest people my love has ever met.
5 things I hate about myself
1. My nose... it's too pointy... haiz... 4 years ago the trend was pointy nose so Boss Man gave me some bucks to fix my already-okay nose... now the trend is coming back to flatting nose... should I take the plastic band out?
2. Sometimes I talk too fast that I couldn't even understand what I'm saying... Once I watched a fancam of me being interviewed and I couldn't believe that I actually said those words... Rapping lessons got my tongue worse.... haiz....
3. My face~ it's too handsome! it's so troublesome everytime I walk ou of my place, people staring at me... even if it's late at night... WAIT A Minute... Ah... it's because I'm wearing sunglasses at night~
4. My back... too much muscles... and there's no tattoo... haiz... how about "Beutiful" I'm pretty...
Wait... is it "beautiful" or... "bautiful..."
5. My bandmates... they have bigger fanbases than mine... Maybe I should do something... how about a scandal... I will have some gay scandal... ahha... maybe taking pictures of me naked and send to a big paper... not bad...
100 I love about myself next edition...

2009-01-01T15:41:00.002+11:00

RAndOm~~
* Knitting :I've started knitting... really... it's the ugliest piece I've ever seen AHH... (crying because of feeling useless) three holes... uneven margins... haiz.... FIGHTING~~ A shaman shouldn't be knitting all stuggs like this... have u ever seen the wicked stepmother knitting in cinderella story?
* Korea: I've just borrowed two travel books about Korea from the library... totally fantastic!!! I want to go to Korea visiting Changgyeonggung and the Blue house... and lots of places~~~ not to mention Deoksugung where the finger of Queen Min was found~ (it does sound a bit creepy to me though) All the food is so tempting to me... *dreaming* and what's more wonderful? they are amazingly cheap~~ okay it's because things in australia is costly so we get paid more... I can't wait to try all the rice cake 떡 and Soju... hehehehe... I'm not impressed with Japchae because it sounds like deep fried noodles in vietnam... but I will definitely try cold noodle 냉면 and dumpling soup 만두국~ I hope I will be able to fulfil my wish next year~ when I'm not longer tressed with university~ ONe good thing is that australians (if I have managed to get Australia permanent citizenship by that time) I won't need the visa thingy and can stay there for 3 months with a bought plane ticket... hehehehe... :))
* Teaching: I'm getting Education diploma together with Bachelor of Arts (it's the thing for sure) so I want to teach English once I get there (earn some money u know~~).. I hope my degree can make up for the fact that I'm not a native English speaker... haiz~

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.... I HOPE YOU ALL THE BEST NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE... ^^v OR WHERE YOU MAY BE... ^^

2008-12-24T22:14:00.002+11:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF~~
My wishes:
_I wish my love will recover quickly... live healthily... and will be happy no matter the choices she made.
_I want to make a lot of money so that I can make my other wishes come true... for example... take my love to the best hospital =)
_ I want to grow up more... be more mature so that I can never hurt anyone with my ignorance again... :(
_ I want my unnie Pynic to have more self confidence... she's a really nice and pretty girl... I hope one day she will see for herself that I'm right~ she deserves more and more than just heartbreaks~ (and cold, unnie should have worn more warm clothes)
That's all I can wish for~~~ and if Santa is generous, I would like you to make my fat disappear... *sigh*

Medley

2008-12-22T21:24:00.002+11:00

Davichi Amaranth Medley

I give you everything I have as presents
Even my heart and soul, I hold nothing back
Even my dignity, I keep taking you back
There's always the thought I don't deserve you
And how pathetic, I'm always the one at fault
Even when I use my mind, I can't put off your glory...
I hate you... that's right... but I still love you (미워도 사랑하니까)

I gave you my true self, a heart a face with no make up
But today, I'm putting on those lipstick... to your wedding
To say meaningless words such as "Congrats" to you
The man I always dreamed to be with
I'm putting those lipstick to your wedding
To see the one in your arms...
That girl has too much make-up on her face
And probaly on her heart as well...
The red lipstick I'm wearing now feels like blood... (Putting on lipstick)

Days, months and years after our break-up
I've been living with a sad promise to myself
I won't love anyone... I won't smile... I won't be happy...
Not because I still love you, the one who broke me too many times
Because the pains you caused me are still here
They are moving... growing... as I keep going on...
I made a promise never to turn my head back...
Sadly... I know I will look for you again if you call my name... (Sad Promise)

People can hurt me... they can call me names
I lived on... I breathed the air they breathed...
People don't care if I cry, if I fall down
I got up... I appeared on the perfect picture they eyed
But why did you appear and bring love to me?
It's too difficult to get up and live on
Too difficult to curse the one who hurt me...
Why love? (왜 사랑)

You wrote me a love song the day you confessed
Every note we played with care and devotion
Nothing in our lives was more beautiful...
Even the ending was too perfect as we smiled and moved on...
People smiled and the earth moved on...
They don't know the last note I played was the last tear I have... (Sad Love Song)

How many lies you are going to tell me?
I won't ask anymore even if you have better lies this time
Forgiving you... is no longer because I love you
But because I'm too tired to listen now...

2008-12-17T21:52:00.002+11:00

SOMETHING SEEN...

"I've become a devil in your eyes... I've decided to give up my soul for you... but in the end, I'm not miserable because I'm no longer a human... it's because I still can't have you..."

"I see your smile before my eyes... I see your face lightens up with my own eyes... but with my heart, I can only see him in your eyes..."

"Please... leave me alone... I beg you... let me breathe without feeling your scent... let me think of my ego without picturing us together... let me see things appear clearly without the ghost of memories embedded in..."

"You told me to stay... I said no and pretended to leave... just to watch you from afar hiding myself... Are you happy?... I'm sorry I can't face you properly... because... I know I will collapse in pain..."

2008-12-09T09:04:00.002+11:00

Something isn't right about my two characters: Ha Yuri and Jin Ae...
They seem to be too hard to portrait, even though I know them... I just don't know how to describe them... O.o... o.O
Ha Yuri: A good writer who can't smile, someone who hides but not fake.
Jin Ae: A sensitive teacher- psychologist who often can't separate her roles.
...
Anyway...
...
now is not the right time, I'm stuck.
...
Looking in the the art of Korean names, studying Hanja and Hangul... this is... like a true Shamanship...
... I'm a Shaman... hehehe...
Anyway...
this is my beloved Christina... hehehe... she's so cute I wish she was my daughter... =.='' she's my cousin by the way... 4 years old...

2008-12-05T12:33:00.002+11:00

Yun ah, really sorry... I need your shoulder to cry again... really sorry...
I couldn't cry in front of her... so I keep taking your shoulder for granted...
You must be really tired... I'm sorry... but thousands thanks for you!
I'm going to cry now... but don't worry, I will stop soon... I will just quickly burst into tears and then stay calm again, so quick that you won't even see my wet eyes or my ugly red nose ^^
Yun ah... I feel so out of place... it seems like I can never do anything right... maybe I was too arrogant, I thought I could do anything but in the end, I just messed up.
I dreamt about your back... (lol) I dreamt about your warm, secure back... I held it tight, feeling like I could never get lost if I stay like that...
Yun ah... Promise me that you will never think about anything else except for the fact that I need you everytime I tell you it's been a bad day for me, can you?
It's okay if you forget how bad my day was, it's okay that you just walk away saying that you have something urgent to do... As long as you are there when I cry... as long as I feel your existence...
I'm so selfish, right? yesterday, I sat on the backyard, trying to hide my tears from everyone... but I couldn't cry (that's stupid hahaha) I just sat there... feeling cold wind blow pass me... my mind went blank because of the cold and I just sat there... u can't imagine how funny it was... My mind tried to tell me to cry... it was alright to cry because nobody was watching!
But it seemed like I couldn't control my body anymore... my eyes wouldn't drop a tear... my face wouldn't grimace... I wished you were there... just to pat on my back... or let me rest my head on your back... my arms were too cold to rest on...
Just to let me feel someone existing near me...
Anyway... Yun ah... thank you...
Somehow... your back always feels so warm... even when it's winter...
I'm being selfish again... hahaha
Most people... just looking at their faces... I can already feel how cold their backs are...
I wish I was sick... maybe a light fever... staying in bed all day like a worm... roll myself up and become smaller so that nobody would find and tell me things I'm too tired to hear...
Then you would come and put your hands on my shouder... I guess your hands are just as warm as your back... and I wil fall asleep... a long sleep filled with beautiful dreams, knowing that I'm protected... that I'm safe... that you will never let anyone hurt me while I sleep...
But when I open my eyes, you will have gone... borrowing your back and hands doesn't mean you want to tie your life with someone like me... you let me borrow your warmth... just because you know I need it... like a kind heart giving money to a beggar...
That's more than enough to me anyway...
A daydreamer has no right to demand more than the giver wants to give.
Thank you for your kindness.
I'm grateful.

2008-12-02T15:06:00.003+11:00

One Fear
I hate this feeling... totally clueless...
I hate this fear... I fear that I may hurt you when I don't even know that I do
An unanswered message can fear me...
An unupdated blog can fear me...
An offline name can fear me...
*going crazy*

2008-12-01T11:09:00.003+11:00

L.o.V.e

Why is it just my love that is late
Why is it just my love that is hard
Although I'm right in front of you, although I'm right beside you
You were my whole world
I see only you
But...

Why are there so many "but" in your words
Why are there so many "i'm sorry"
Although I told myself to ignore you, although I covered my ears,
My hands reached for the phone again
I hear only you
But...

Why is there such a thing like love
Why are there tears when I try to smile for you
Although I forced myself to change, although I tried not to hurt you,
Every time there is a fight between us
I just blame myself
But...

Why is there such a fool like me
Why did I expect from you too much like I did to myself
Although I tried to laugh it off, although I tried to forget our fights
Even with just a cold smile, you can cut me deeper than last time
I only trust you
But...

I can never answer those questions, will I?

2008-11-29T21:28:00.005+11:00

Quiz... Long time no see, how are you doing?

Let's have some fun, shall we... I'm bored and crazy... and I miss food..

What Your Love of Twix Says About You

You are a generous and caring person. You are soft hearted.

You're the type who needs a partner. You just don't feel right on your own.

You are more fragile than outward appearances would suggest.

You tend to be a pushover. You are very sensitive and easy to break.

What Does Your Favorite Candy Say About You?

You are White Chocolate

You are White Chocolate

You are sweet, caring, and truly very innocent.

Whether your naive ways are a bit of act or not, people like to take care of you.

You are a quiet flirt, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are Lemon Meringue Pie

You're the perfect combo of sassy and sweet.

You always know how to brighten someone's mood, but you're not overly sappy.

In fact, you can be a bit too honest at times. And most people find that refreshing.

While you're always true to yourself, you keep things light. That's how people are able to stomach your slightly bitter outlook.

Those who like you have well refined tastes.

You're complicated - and let's face it - a true enigma.

You enjoy defying expectations, and there are many layers to your personality.

There's not one easy way to define you.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

You Are an Orange

You have a zest for life, especially for anything colorful, wild, or dramatic.

You have a unique take on the world, and you're not afraid to be a little funky.

You are a bit reserved toward people who don't know you well.

You have a thick skin, which can protect you from anything that goes wrong in your life.

Once someone does get to know you, they totally get and appreciate you.

Your friends see you as a bright person with a refreshing take on life.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

You Are a Smiley Face Cookie

You're happy go lucky. So happy, in fact, it's a little past the point of normal sanity.

You usually make those around you smile ... when you're not creeping them out!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

TODAY~~ BORED~~

2008-11-29T19:18:00.002+11:00

Today... had a long talk with her...
really... somewhat regretted...
But stay cool...
Always cool... since it's in the past...
Happy happy...
A new year is coming coming soon~
Many good things will come to me because I want them and will work hard for them...
After all... myself is who I should lean on...
Because... I want to be strong enough... to be leaned on by that someone...
^^
Have a good day

Long time no see

2008-11-28T18:22:00.000+11:00

2008-11-25T08:28:00.002+11:00

Sarang An Hae (사랑 안 해)- Baek Jiyoung (백지영)
I was going to do that
I was going to go back
Yea, your coldness did have a reason

When your touch was gone
I realized that my heart had left

Because of a lingering attachment that asked "what if.."
I comforted myself
Now I am more pitiful for doing this to myself
Now I will really erase you
All the memories too

Like a fool I didn't know
I didn't know about you two
Trying to remember us--
That was all a part of my greed

Even though I promised myself,
I open my eyes every morning
and pray for you who passed by
for you not to forget me

Please, the one thing I am hoping for right now
Is for you not to speak about me so easily
Instead just say that you don't know me
You will know after time, about the value of my love

Now I don't love you
And myself saying that is the same as you
Because i can't meet anyone else
Because I can't love again
Like a fool, I don't love you
And you who is saying that, are the one I love
I hope you forget me, please erase me

The seat without me, the seat that is not me
Don't fill it with love
If we can meet again
If we can love again
It'll hurt but I love you
I will watch over you and I love you
Because I couldn't say these words...

Pieces... part1

2008-11-23T14:21:00.004+11:00

Vague piece...

It rains again.
Slowly… every drop… just like the sound of footsteps walking away…

Cold wind starts to find its way through the window in front of her.
It feels like pain.
The girl looks down at the music sheets lying deadly on the table. She has played them before… the songs he wrote for her, named after every memory they had together. How romantic… she thinks and can’t help letting out a bitter smile. Raindrops throw themselves harder through the open window, leaving wet smearing marks on the paper. A sense of death brushes through her mind. "They are drops of blood…" she opened her heart to him like the windows open themselves to the rain knowing the rain wouldn’t bring any good. That person… the first person who gave her feelings… also the first person who dug a nail into her heart…
She wonders what she has been doing during the past three years. She knew her heart… she thought she knew her fate… she knew she loved him… every second… every minute… she knew how she would be with him forever… She knew everyone was against her love for him… she knew every single night he tiptoed through the front door, thinking she must have gone to bed. She knew every time he went out drinking but lied that he had some business meeting. Perhaps she knew ways too many things.
She just didn’t know one important thing …his heart…
The cold air taps violently on her back. She coughs, feeling weaker and weaker. The blood inside her throat tastes dreadfully bitter. She no longer wants to die. The reason… simply it’s because she’s no longer the foolish girl of 3 years ago…
Dragging her feet towards the kitchen, silence surrounds her as if to crush her between its heartless fingers. She can even imagine the fingers with their wedding ring that sometimes he left in the bathroom… the fingers that once caressed her face… once filled the empty spots between her fingers…
...
...
*forgotten parts*

미안해... 사랑해...

2008-11-19T07:41:00.005+11:00

미안해... 사랑해... 안녕 히 하세요

I let you go...
I promise I will let you go this time
The last promise I make and I will keep it
I will burn all the unsent love letters I wrote
All the recordings of your laughter...
Though inside, there's a trace of tender pain
Asking...Please forget and forgive...
I hope you forgive me and soon forget about us
Because, I realize, I've done nothing good for you
If there was a God in my eyes, I would thank him
Since he let you be a part of my small world
This love... you should let our memories die
It's also okay to leave me behind with hurt
Don't look back... in your eyes would be sympathy...
No more love... right?
Goodbye I wish you happiness...
Enough to smile when thinking about me...
I won't hold grudge or hatred...
But the sins of hurting you as a friend...
I will never forgive myself...
If only I was brave enough to tell you I love you before we fell apart...
We were friends...
I can never be more than a friend to you...
Never ever... in your eyes and your heart...
Live for yourself, won't you?
Heaven...
My heaven...
I will wait for you there...
When you are too tired to think about anyone or anything else
Even though you would take me for granted...
See you... See you...
Goodbye another love...
Goodbye my laughter and memories...

First Post..

2008-11-16T22:22:00.003+11:00

Ah, it's my first post... what should I write here? perhaps... something typical.. presentative... hahaha
...
well, I would post one of my "song rewriting" works

THIS SONG

Original Song: This song (이노래) by 2AM

There are times I want to tell you how I feel
There are times I could only hold back my tears
There are times I tried to let you go
But my heart and soul hate me for doing so

Just let go of yesterday
Let go of the tears and pains
Your tomorrow will be my whole life
I will tell you I love you
Everyday and every night
Even though sometimes you can’t seem to hear

So I sing this song
And hope it would touch your heart
All the love I have
I hope you would feel the same way
From this point
I truly want to give you all my happiness
Because there’s nothing I need
Nothing more than to be with you always

Sorry for the things I did that broke your heart
Sorry for the nights you had to be alone
Sorry for the times my love made you feel trapped
Sorry for the words I said that made you cry

I won’t ask for forgiveness
Because words will just be words
I’ll do anything to show you how much you mean to me
All my heart will follow you
All I hear will be your name
All I want to see is your smiling face

So I sing this song
And hope it would touch your heart
All the love I have
I hope you would feel the same way
From this point
I truly want to give you all my happiness
Because there’s nothing I need
Nothing more than to be with you always

This love song may not be enough
But if you can give me and my love one more chance
I have lived my life this long for you and only you girl
I’ll keep these feelings always
Because all I ever want is your love
Because all I ever need is your love

Dedicated to Yuri.